It is 9 am. Sitting in a big room....well that was exciting, not soon after I open my pad excited with the promise of hours of no one bothering me, a cout officer prods us all to move to one side of the room like cattle. So much for quiet space. I had a whole nice row to myself. Seeking space and quiet and a space to catch up on my blog and the dream was broken.
It is quite the depressing sight seeing all these people in a crowded room most probably thinking of all the other things they need to do or worrying about one thing or another. .....and then there's the freaking TV not one television but at least 10 of them. I am not a TV watcher therefore I resent the fact that they are trying to infringe on my right not to watch by not giving me an option. Funny that I am in a court of law. Wait, isn't that their job, to protect my rights (shaking my head). How about my right not to be here...hello.
OMG and my day at work ends at three, how will I endure this torture till five. I know that I should be exhibiting great enthusiasm to serve but honestly, I am not featuring anything to do with our lovely government. I am greatly disappointed for so many reasons, including the fallout of the banks and then our billion bail out when the rest of us are struggling to survive. I say fuck them. I don't really give a shit about their need for a juror.
It is obvious that I am not interested in this whole nonsense, especially being in a hot crowded room. My anxiety is peaking. I will certainly need my session with my therapist for sure. Dr. S thinks that my life is overwhelming me ...uh duh really. I am a freaking therapist. I know this. This setting is so demeaning with its officers pacing up and down the isles. Reminds me of prison or a camp where we are all waiting to be taken to the dark dungeon of death. The man behind me keeps cursing under his breath. There is a lot of sighing, heavy breathing, and fidgeting. It is torture for all. Maybe someone has an awesomely amazing freaking life on a freaking daily basis and being here is not only torturous but an experience of such low levels that they will go back to their amazingly awesome lives and talk for years about how the other people live. Or maybe not, maybe there are some who find this to be a respite from a daily grind that is less than appealing. Maybe this is an escape that holds appeal in some way but I can't freaking imagine that in any way.
It is only 10:30 OMG, how is that possible? Now they are going thru rows of people to see if anyone has a question....Yeah! I Have a freaking question, "How can I opt out?" I can't imagine that they see many happy people here. Imagine working in a place where those who come are embittered by the invasion in their lives. What a misery really, to have to endure days on end of just dealing with miserable people who are being forced by threatening notices to come and oblige. I guess it could be worse. I could be an officer here who daily gets grimaces, and rolling eyes and scornful looks just for being a dutiful servant to the law system.
Its is getting hotter by the minute and the fidgeting and yawning is definitely increasing with time. There is NOTHING joyful about this, not one thing. The people look tired, desolate and restless. A few read their books to pass the time, some stare off into space, some nod off, some are lost in their thoughts. I write. I write to kill the time. I write to fill me. I write to forget. I write so that I don't think of him but I write to remember him.
We reconnected for a week, trying to build something out of the shallow hollows of our love. It did not go well and once again we engage in repeatedly similar conversations repeating the same problems, the same desires, the same questions and the same sorrows. All for naught. We stand in the same place. Hoping for change that doesn't come. Mourning loses that cannot be resolved. Trying for something that will never be or come. The truth is, when a relationship struggles as we have, with prolonged unrelenting stress and sadness, the goodness and beauty of what brought us together vanishes. We are no longer as beautiful, sexy, kind, loving as the other thought. Sad, because we are still those things - our eyes are just clouded by the ongoing pain. The more we talk and try to fix, the more we forget that we love each other.
Perhaps this is part of the reason I am resentful being here today, something so mundane as jury duty when the world is crying out for so many reasons. As am I.
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