Every night my neighbor comes home and sets ablaze his outdoor chimney. Every night I go out to smell it. He is methodical and I want to praise him for his commitment. He quietly goes about this process every night and then quietly sits outside by himself.
I admire the way he habitually partakes in a ritual that brings us closer to ourselves. He with his lighting of the fire, me quietly sitting on my steps by the kitchen door enjoying the fruits of his labor. I close my eyes and the smell of the fire comforts me.
We rarely speak, occasionally we say hello, but every night we have a common bond. I am grateful that he is there.

Yesterday I rode the train into the city to meet my friend. A couple comes in and sits in front of me. I try hard not to stare. I watch every gesture, ever touch. It catches my breathe, the smallest most intimate touch. She reaches behind his ear and plays with his hair as he speaks quietly, directly at her, never looking away.
It has been a while since I've been hugged or touched by a partner, that the sight of two people doing the simplest act of love brings me to tears. I felt a lump in my throat as I held back the tears. This is what I do. I watch. I watch everyone interact. Friends, lovers, parents everyone. I feel raw some days with loneliness for my marriage. Sometimes to the point that I think I must be terribly messed up in allowing it to end. It becomes easy to forget the hurt and just remember the small moments of happiness in my loneliness.
Today I checked the mail, and there they were. My divorce papers. The familiar handwriting on the envelope. My husband has signed them and sent them so that I can finish the whole affair. It fills me with sorrow and though its been such a long time coming, I don't feel relief just sadness.
Two people with similar dreams. A beautiful wedding. Two broken hearts.

I have once again settled in Long Island. Settled is a funny word as I feel completely unsettled. After a long, dark and sad winter, spring brought me to a new home. Not the one I wanted but the one that God chose for me. Being that he commands all, with a few requests on my part, I am trying to surrender and be OK with just being OK right now.
The winter almost destroyed me. My heart was broken and healing was a long way to come. As I sunk into the winter and my despair at having to move out of my city apartment and return back to the suburbs full of resentment, sorrow and at times anger, I found solace only in my faith. With a pending second divorce and a house in PA that needed to sell before I went completely broke and insane, I sought desperately to stay grounded and full of belief that God did not want me to continue suffering.
So now the house has sold, the divorce is still pending (the ex is in New Mexico), and I have found a small home to settle in for a bit with my son and my dog. I comfort myself with the fact that my son is now happy and healthy and my dog will be happy anywhere that I am present. Though I gave up my dream for a while it was a wonderful dream to have even if just for a bit. My heart is not settled here in the suburbs. It is often isolating and lonely. The suburbs are no place for a single 48 year old woman. Its traditions of families with children leave me feeling unsettled and out of place.
As a city girl I miss that feeling that no matter where you are in the city even if you are alone, you never feel alone. Surrounded by the sounds of the elevator and people talking in the hall ways and the neighbors foot steps above me and the sounds of the city, I never ever felt alone. I
wait here for the day when I can go back to the place that is my home. While I wait I will not stand still. I will live and continue to find those things and people that fill me with life.