I have once again settled in Long Island. Settled is a funny word as I feel completely unsettled. After a long, dark and sad winter, spring brought me to a new home. Not the one I wanted but the one that God chose for me. Being that he commands all, with a few requests on my part, I am trying to surrender and be OK with just being OK right now.
The winter almost destroyed me. My heart was broken and healing was a long way to come. As I sunk into the winter and my despair at having to move out of my city apartment and return back to the suburbs full of resentment, sorrow and at times anger, I found solace only in my faith. With a pending second divorce and a house in PA that needed to sell before I went completely broke and insane, I sought desperately to stay grounded and full of belief that God did not want me to continue suffering.
So now the house has sold, the divorce is still pending (the ex is in New Mexico), and I have found a small home to settle in for a bit with my son and my dog. I comfort myself with the fact that my son is now happy and healthy and my dog will be happy anywhere that I am present. Though I gave up my dream for a while it was a wonderful dream to have even if just for a bit. My heart is not settled here in the suburbs. It is often isolating and lonely. The suburbs are no place for a single 48 year old woman. Its traditions of families with children leave me feeling unsettled and out of place.
As a city girl I miss that feeling that no matter where you are in the city even if you are alone, you never feel alone. Surrounded by the sounds of the elevator and people talking in the hall ways and the neighbors foot steps above me and the sounds of the city, I never ever felt alone. I
wait here for the day when I can go back to the place that is my home. While I wait I will not stand still. I will live and continue to find those things and people that fill me with life.