When Fear Becomes a way of Life

I am a Social Worker. My whole life's work has been to help people self-actualize by guiding them to find their own inner voice. Fear as a way of life can be paralyzing. There is rational fear......when we tell our children do not touch the stove because you can get burned....there is irrational fear....the fear that comes from an unknown place.....fear of flying and never traveling because that fear gets in the way.

I have experienced both, but somehow I was able to rationalize the irrational. This took some work and an incredible amount of risk taking. Irrational fear is that fear the creeps into our minds and body and keeps us from living. It is based on a couple of things:

fear of unknown things happening because of what we may do or say

fear of humiliation

fear of embarrassment

fear of what others may think of us

fear of rejection

fear of losing

fear of being true to ourselves

All these fears can paralyze us and keep us from achieving true happiness and self-actualization. What I mean by self-actualization is reaching our true authentic self. The person we are capable of being on a higher level. The person we can fully and completely be without restrictions placed on us by ourselves, by others or society.
I am currently watching as my son struggles with all these fears and it is heart breaking. He is a smart, funny, kind and wonderful young man. He gets in his own way. It is hard to watch, as a mother and a therapist. I try to look back and seek answers and there are none, except that fear rules his life, his happiness and his achievements or lack of.

People who live in fear do not take risk for fear of failure. But, how can you even know if you will succeed if you are not willing to risk. Risk embarrassment, humiliation, lack of praise, lack of approval, lack of love. The truth is, only by stepping outside of our fears are we able to see what we are really capable of. It is in this risk taking, that we develop a sense of power and strength, a sense of our own abilities, a sense of self.  It is in this risk taking that we self-actualize to a greater being. 

Some practical steps to overcome fear (and its not easy nor does it come without some pain) are:

letting go.....letting go of what we cannot control....such as what people think of us.

letting go of what we think we "should do or should be doing"

letting go of what we think is expected of us

letting go of preconceived ideas of what we should be

letting go of old ideas of what the norm is

letting go of our past failures in order to build a better future

letting go of timelines of when and how we were suppose to accomplish things

letting go of old wounds and moving forward from where we are

But, most importantly, loving ourselves enough to fight for freedom of the fear that haunts us. Setting ourselves free because we know that we are valuable and deserve good things even if it's not according to the unbending timeline we've set for ourselves. 

Self-actualization can only happen when we are free. Free to be kinder to ourselves, to be forgiving to ourselves for whatever infractions we believe we've committed. Free to love ourselves despite our failures.  Free to love ourselves enough to risk it all for the sake of self love and future happiness. 

Happiness...

I just watched a documentary on Netflix called "Happy". Such a small simple word right? Happy. Then why is it such a daunting, painful, and arduous task to achieve? Research shows, according to this film, that Happiness is 50% genetics (family history of depression), 10% circumstances(those things that affect us, illness, tragedy, our work etc.) and 40% intention. In that 40% is where the truth lies -our intention for happiness. 

I always thought of myself as an innately happy person who under certain circumstances, divorce, death of a loved one, loss of a job, illness, I suffered and was sad and at times devastated beyond reason, it passed and I regained happiness again. My joy eventually returned. This has been consistent. So what is it about me that allows me to find that joy? I can put it into some words that are embraced by moments.

* Faith                                    

* Loving fully

* Compassion

* Reflection

* Family

* Hope

* God

* Nature

* Strangers

* Friends

* A City that I love

* Travel

* My dog

* Children (mine and others)

* Animals

* Yoga

* Meditation

* Gratitude

* Feeding someone who is hungry

* Giving

* Crying

* Laughter

* Good food

* Moments of purity

Happiness to me comes in small moments as well as remarkably big ones. In order to help you see what I see....well, you will see it as I capture it in some of my pictures. My photos are an extension of my many moments of joy.

hot hot hot

It is at times difficult to believe that I am a Puerto Rican born in a small, hot rural village.  With the heat in NY scorching us to a whole new level. First of all I don't know what the heck is happening, is it menopause or has my testosterone level risen? I seriously sweat like a guy. Very unlady like I might add. Not that I am dainty and all sweetness. I have been known to fix a leak or two in my life. Yet, I am seriously hiding in my apartment in hopes that this heat will pass and I will be rewarded with what I deem to be a perfect summer day - 80 degress, with a slight breeze and no humidity. I don't think its a lot to ask for.

Back in Puerto Rico, we ran wild  and had a convenient little brook to soothe our hot skin. In my light summer cotton dress I roamed the outdoors and chased the chicks while the chickens chased after me to leave their little ones alone.  I am no longer 5, nor little, nor cute in my little summer cotton dress. With heat like this I am content to sit on my couch with the fan blowing right on me as I think of things to do in NYC for free, going to the outdoor cinema tonight and about the fact that I definitely need to get something for those dang mosquitos. A whole other story. I just love summer!!

Losing my balance during Shavasana

I am hot, dizzy and trying desperately to focus on what I set as my personal goal for the summer. Writing, simply writing. This is not such a simple goal, as I have been dealing with vertigo for a few days. 

At yoga the other day, sweating profusely, but feeling such a sense of balance and focus. All is right as the sweat pours off me and I have a hard time gripping mat in downward dog because my palms are so sweaty. As a true yogi, I love it. The sweat is a testament to my hard work and dedication. No, it is not Hot yoga as you may think, just plain ole Vinyasa, but the air conditioning is no great warrior to the  heat of  NYC.

I admire my yoga neighbor as she moves in fluid beautiful movement through her practice. He sweat glistens on her arms and she smiles radiantly. I can tell you that, though I am a regular practitioner, my grace is not what hers is. Being double her age, I am grateful for my flexibility and form and the fact that I can look around and say to myself "you are just fine".

At the end of our very hot practice I gladly hit the mat on my back for Shavasana. Overheated but happy for a practice that helps to erase all thoughts, whether by practice of meditation or just the fact that I have to focus so hard to stay balanced. Whatever the reason, Shavasana is my reward of self-love, acceptance and grounding my self in order to deal with life and the world.

I lay and close my eyes, feeling peaceful and proud that I did it inspite of my earlier wishes to skip it because of the heat.  All is lovely until the teacher ask that we now come up into sitting pose with our eyes closed. I roll over and gently rise to sit and holy moly......the world came spinning out of control, flipping, turning and dark. I grab the floor with both hands to steady myself .... it passes. "What the holy heck was that"? I have never had a spin out like that...well, only that one time when I had way too many homemade beers at McSorley's http://www.mcsorleysnewyork.com/home.html.

It was not pretty then and it is not pretty now well, and now I am hot sweaty mess. Thankfully, it passes, I sit in my sweaty state and smile and grip the floor. As fast as it came it left. I collected myself thinking I must surely be dehydrated and need more water. I walk home and its as if it never happened. Until I get home and I can't walk a straight line. "What the heck"? That was six days ago. The first two days were hell, driving me to get to the doctor out of fear that there was something seriously going on, like an aneurysm. I mean, what the heck do I know. My doctor says its viral. All my friends in their 50's say its menopause. Lovely, really lovely. I am so done with that thing. Menopause is like an unwelcome guest that shows up on your door and says "hey, I'm here and I plan to stay for awhile, so show me my room b*#&h". Well I hate this guest and its never ending BS.

I sigh. It's not going anywhere anytime soon from the looks of it. The spinning has subsided and I am left with a slight light-headedness and an occasional twirl. Like that awesome (not) tilt-a-whirl from our childhood. Something I never enjoyed....amusement park rides. Still don't!

Just looking at it and this screen is making me dizzy! See you again, when the head spins subside. Laying down is not an option.

Jury Duty ..... oh the fun of it

It is 9 am. Sitting in a big room....well that was exciting, not soon after I open my pad excited with the promise of hours of no one bothering me, a cout officer prods us all to move to one side of the room like cattle. So much for quiet space. I had a whole nice row to myself. Seeking space and quiet and a space to catch up on my blog and the dream was broken.
It is quite the depressing sight seeing all these people in a crowded room most probably thinking of all the other things they need to do or worrying about one thing or another. .....and then there's the freaking TV not one television but at least 10 of them. I am  not a TV watcher therefore I resent the fact that they are trying to infringe on my right not to watch by not giving me an option. Funny that I am in a court of law. Wait, isn't that their job, to protect my rights (shaking my head). How about my right not to be here...hello.
OMG and my day at work ends at three, how will I endure this torture till five. I know that I should be exhibiting great enthusiasm to serve but honestly, I am not featuring anything to do with our lovely government. I am greatly disappointed for so many reasons, including the fallout of the banks and then our billion bail out when the rest of us are struggling to survive. I say fuck them. I don't really give a shit about their need for a juror.
It is obvious that I am not interested in this whole nonsense, especially being in a hot crowded room. My anxiety is peaking. I will certainly need my session with my therapist for sure. Dr. S thinks that my life is overwhelming me ...uh duh really. I am a freaking therapist. I know this. This setting is so demeaning with its officers pacing up and down the isles. Reminds me of prison or a camp where we are all waiting to be taken to the dark dungeon of death.  The man behind me keeps cursing under his breath. There is a lot of sighing, heavy breathing, and fidgeting. It is torture for all. Maybe someone has an awesomely amazing freaking life on a freaking daily basis and being here is not only torturous but an experience of such low levels that they will go back to their amazingly awesome lives and talk for years about how the other people live.  Or maybe not, maybe there are some who find this to be a respite from a daily grind that is less than appealing. Maybe this is an escape that holds appeal in some way but I can't freaking imagine that in any way.
It is only 10:30 OMG, how is that possible? Now they are going thru rows of people to see if anyone has a question....Yeah! I Have a freaking question, "How can I opt out?" I can't imagine that they see many happy people here. Imagine working in a place where those who come are embittered by the invasion in their lives. What a misery really, to have to endure days on end of just dealing with miserable people who are being forced by threatening notices to come and oblige. I guess it could be worse. I could be an officer here who daily gets grimaces, and rolling eyes and scornful looks just for being a dutiful servant to the law system.
Its is getting hotter by the minute and the fidgeting and yawning is definitely increasing with time. There is NOTHING joyful about this, not one thing. The people look tired, desolate and restless. A few read their books to pass the time, some stare off into space, some nod off, some are lost in their thoughts. I write. I write to kill the time. I write to fill me. I write to forget. I write so that I don't think of him but I write to remember him.
We reconnected for a week, trying to build something out of the shallow hollows of our love. It did not go well and once again we engage in repeatedly similar conversations repeating the same problems, the same desires, the same questions and the same sorrows. All for naught. We stand in the same place. Hoping for change that doesn't come. Mourning loses that cannot be resolved. Trying for something that will never be or come. The truth is, when a relationship struggles as we have, with  prolonged unrelenting stress and sadness, the goodness and beauty of what brought us together vanishes. We are no longer as beautiful, sexy, kind, loving as the other thought. Sad, because we are still those things - our eyes are just clouded by the ongoing pain. The more we talk and try to fix, the more we forget that we love each other.
Perhaps this is part of the reason I am resentful being here today, something so mundane as jury duty when the world is crying out for so many reasons. As am I.











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Another Breakup

Each time I think to myself, "this is the last one" - and then it is not. After a year of struggling to keep a relationship going, I pulled the plug and let the code blue ring. No one would die but they would sure as hell would feel like it.
The relationship was destined to crash and burn. He came into it with a houseful of sorrow and heartache. His child had been taken by a crazy mother. His yearning and love had no limits. His sorrow was his favorite companion punishing him for sins he did not committ. It was this invisible companion that kept him connected to them, and though I was present, this companion was much more of an attention getter than I was. It went on all our dates with us, our vacations, it made love with us, it went to bed at night with us and then reawakened with us each morning. Some days it was not an intrusive companion, some days it even allowed us to believe that it had left us in order to give us the space we needed to feel our love, but most days it pulled us apart and taunted us. Laughing maniacally at us as we dared to think that for that quiet moment it had left for good.
I cannot say that it is not embarrassing to once again tell my friends about yet another heart break. They have seen it before, some worse than others. The only difference is that at almost 52, the bones break and take so much longer to heal. My skin, no longer accompanied by youth, sags and blotches and is not forgiving of my tears and sleepless nights. My friends with their ever loving and patient ways, tell me that I deserve more, that it was not good from the beginning, that he is not available emotionally, that I will be ok because I am strong........all things I know.  I am a therapist. I have talked myself through this and other sorrows. Yes, you do get over it...eventually and you do get up in the morning and don't break into tears eventually, and yes the nights will become less filled with ghosts that don't let you sleep and yes the burning in your eyes will subside as you go through the pain and hurt and eventually one day, the sun clears your skies and you remember to smile again. You are never the same. Each and every single thing will be changed forever because you dared to love once again.

My job keeps me from being amazing

Since 2001, I have been a social worker at a school and I have loved many moments....that is until now. I may be possibly going through a mid life crisis (hot flashes may not be helping). I wake in the middle of the night sweaty, clammy and in a state of anxiety (I know it sounds like menopausaul night sweats). There is no way I can be amazing waking at 5am in this state. I am not amazing to me or anyone around me. I am prettty sure that even my boyfriend doesn't find me amazing in this state. Thank goodness he is in another country at the time (another blog). Perhaps that is the reason he is in another country ha!

I am exactly the age my sister Lilly was when she passed after a long illness. I think about it and her all the time. I am certain that I am not living an amazing life. I am saddled with school loans and many other unsightly and awful bills. I have not had a raise in many years. Yet, I am expected to perform my job with a smile, excitement and a true lively spirit. The kids I work with are not the problem, they are actually the one reason I still get my ass to work everyday. Its the route that education has taken. It is no longer what I think it should be - its a corporation...everything I ran away from in my earlier careers.

My job keeps me tired, keeping me from the things I love, yoga, my family, my friends, hiking, the outdoors, my dog, writing and all the things that truly bring me joy. How can I be amazing when in the evenings I can't get myself to those things I love because I am drainnnnedddd. I am tired, cranky, wallowing in all that I am missing out of. I have become a prisoner to my job and a pension that may or may not be there when its all over. I have taken of late to wondering what would happen if I stopped being a prisoner to my job and that damn pension. What if I said to all those people who say to me "you'd give up your pension?" (with the most horrifying facial expression, as if I just said I killed someone and buried them in the backyard), "I want something more", I want to start something new and fresh that makes me feel joyful again." By the way uhm I don't have a backyard, but you know what I mean.

For a long time I have done the right thing, the responsible thing. I did it because I was a single mom and I needed to provide for a son. That son is now 21 and if he is not where he wants to be in life (another blog) that is not my problem anymore. I want to be set free and the only one who can do that for me is me. The truth is I am scared. Scared that I don't have a lot of time to be amazing, to live an amazing, fun, exciting life, even more so a life that is lived. Living for a pension is well.......boring. It is redundant and I don't want to be redundant. That is as far from amazing as anything I can imagine.