My job keeps me from being amazing

Since 2001, I have been a social worker at a school and I have loved many moments....that is until now. I may be possibly going through a mid life crisis (hot flashes may not be helping). I wake in the middle of the night sweaty, clammy and in a state of anxiety (I know it sounds like menopausaul night sweats). There is no way I can be amazing waking at 5am in this state. I am not amazing to me or anyone around me. I am prettty sure that even my boyfriend doesn't find me amazing in this state. Thank goodness he is in another country at the time (another blog). Perhaps that is the reason he is in another country ha!

I am exactly the age my sister Lilly was when she passed after a long illness. I think about it and her all the time. I am certain that I am not living an amazing life. I am saddled with school loans and many other unsightly and awful bills. I have not had a raise in many years. Yet, I am expected to perform my job with a smile, excitement and a true lively spirit. The kids I work with are not the problem, they are actually the one reason I still get my ass to work everyday. Its the route that education has taken. It is no longer what I think it should be - its a corporation...everything I ran away from in my earlier careers.

My job keeps me tired, keeping me from the things I love, yoga, my family, my friends, hiking, the outdoors, my dog, writing and all the things that truly bring me joy. How can I be amazing when in the evenings I can't get myself to those things I love because I am drainnnnedddd. I am tired, cranky, wallowing in all that I am missing out of. I have become a prisoner to my job and a pension that may or may not be there when its all over. I have taken of late to wondering what would happen if I stopped being a prisoner to my job and that damn pension. What if I said to all those people who say to me "you'd give up your pension?" (with the most horrifying facial expression, as if I just said I killed someone and buried them in the backyard), "I want something more", I want to start something new and fresh that makes me feel joyful again." By the way uhm I don't have a backyard, but you know what I mean.

For a long time I have done the right thing, the responsible thing. I did it because I was a single mom and I needed to provide for a son. That son is now 21 and if he is not where he wants to be in life (another blog) that is not my problem anymore. I want to be set free and the only one who can do that for me is me. The truth is I am scared. Scared that I don't have a lot of time to be amazing, to live an amazing, fun, exciting life, even more so a life that is lived. Living for a pension is well.......boring. It is redundant and I don't want to be redundant. That is as far from amazing as anything I can imagine. 

Trying not to get discouraged with the journey

Don't let anyone tell you that just because you get older, wiser, or grow that anything changes. I turned 51 this past August. I am sitting in an apartment in Nicaragua. I came here to visit my son on his 21st birthday. He is here doing what I should have done - finding himself. Taking time off from school because he had no idea what he was doing, where he was going or who he is. Yes, I am older, maybe a little wiser but not a lot of change has occurred. I often get stuck in the same place and the only thing that changes is that time moves and one day you wake up and its been five years since you said, "thats it, this year its going to be different."

I am proud of my son. Unlike me he knows enough to know he does not know. I on the other hand seem to always think that because there's been hard times, because I have endured and learned something that I may know something. The truth is I know very little. I know that I am kind, compassionate, and capable of taking risks. I also know that I have failed miserably and I don't seem to be finding answers in any realm of my life. I am always hopeful. Filled with perhaps, what some may call, polyannish dreams. I am not sure honestly. Today I feel nothing except defeat. David and I struggle. We struggle with difficult and sad pasts that don't allow us freedom to be happy. We struggle with realities that are difficult and at times bizarre, not to mention dysfunctional. We are allowed small moments of fleeting bits of time where we push the craziness aside and focus on us. A moment when we can look at each other and see why we are together and for just a moment there is nothing but us.

My job leaves me empty and drained most days. Everything I believed in when I started this job seems to have disappeared. I love my kids at school and they make my job tolerable but systematically it has turned into a corporation without a soul. Its purpose has been taken away and replaced with acronyms. 

My son is in a better place for now. I hope for his sake that he finds his path and truth way before I did. I hope his struggles are few and that he can live his life with clear intention.

I started this blog in October, it is now the end of January. My son has since returned home as has my boyfriend who was also in Nicaragua on a business venture. It was a difficult trip. Everyone was in some state of hyper something or the other. The heat was intolerable to me. Three people in a third world country trying to seek and/or create something that could not be found or done back home. We all struggled with some type of difficulty. I left after a week, leaving behind my son and my boyfriend. The weeks that followed till their return were long and difficult. My son had tapped out on what he believed was his own personal growth and was ready to return home to put his life back on track. In some ways he has. My boyfriend has also returned a little less enthusiastic about his business venture due to inconsistencies, cultural differences in work ethics, and small time thievery that is common in these countries where people will take anything that is not chained down.

We are all settling into our winter routines and trying to move into the new year with a new outlook, some optimism and perhaps a new dream.

New Year? Haven't we been here before?

2014, 2013, 2012, 2011.......really? This morning as I sit in my really bad pajama outfit, with my sleeping dog next to me I am just not feeling the whole dang thing. A snow storm has allowed me to stay home after just returning to work for one day. Hence, it is allowing me this lovely morning to wallow in hating the new year. I admit I am a Bitter Betty this morning. Could be that I started out my morning with writing a check for my rent. Yup that must be it or is it the many other adorable aspects of my life that are making me a cranky bitch. Lets see..........yup its definitely associated with certain aspects of my life that are creating and festering crankiness. 

There are some things that are leaving me in a state of confusion, or better yet bewilderment (as well as crankiness) as I can't believe the situation in my life. Honestly, it is such a crazy ass situation that I wouldn't even know how to begin or if it would even make sense on paper. I met my boyfriend 13 years ago at a mutual friends house. We were both married to other people who we eventually divorced. He and I never dated or even thought of the other as dating potential back then. It is only a year ago that we caught up with each other and have been together as a couple. We have a complicated relationship. I enter it completely ready for immersion. He, hesitant. I do admit that at first I had no intention of liking him much less loving him. I figured we'd have a "thing" and that "thing" would lead to "nothing" and given that "nothing",  it would evaporate into the kind of nothingness that we'd reflect on in later years as a sweet time in our lives. An unexpected moment where we both caught up with each other and realized "ah yes, that was nice and so good that we got together after all these years, and now we know."

This man I love, loves me, but as is typical of people our age, we have baggage. Baggage that is not only incredibly heavy but ugly to look at once we open it. Loving someone is a risk - always. It asks us to transcend beyond our stuff and others stuff so that we could possibly, maybe build anew on a foundation that may have once stood steady buy now is filled with cracks and fine lines making it unsteady and fragile. As we trudge through the muddle encountering some ray of light on some days, we understand that its not perfect, not at all, but the question persist in both our heads..."would it be easier and less painful to be alone with my stuff or is it better to put our stuff together and work it through"? There is no simple answer and both options have their moments of being the right one on any given day.

For now, today, on another snowy day where we are house bound and I am doing what I love, writing, and he is doing what he loves, fiddling with his tools in his shop, we don't need any answers. For now we are content to accept and just be.