New Year? Haven't we been here before?

2014, 2013, 2012, 2011.......really? This morning as I sit in my really bad pajama outfit, with my sleeping dog next to me I am just not feeling the whole dang thing. A snow storm has allowed me to stay home after just returning to work for one day. Hence, it is allowing me this lovely morning to wallow in hating the new year. I admit I am a Bitter Betty this morning. Could be that I started out my morning with writing a check for my rent. Yup that must be it or is it the many other adorable aspects of my life that are making me a cranky bitch. Lets see..........yup its definitely associated with certain aspects of my life that are creating and festering crankiness. 

There are some things that are leaving me in a state of confusion, or better yet bewilderment (as well as crankiness) as I can't believe the situation in my life. Honestly, it is such a crazy ass situation that I wouldn't even know how to begin or if it would even make sense on paper. I met my boyfriend 13 years ago at a mutual friends house. We were both married to other people who we eventually divorced. He and I never dated or even thought of the other as dating potential back then. It is only a year ago that we caught up with each other and have been together as a couple. We have a complicated relationship. I enter it completely ready for immersion. He, hesitant. I do admit that at first I had no intention of liking him much less loving him. I figured we'd have a "thing" and that "thing" would lead to "nothing" and given that "nothing",  it would evaporate into the kind of nothingness that we'd reflect on in later years as a sweet time in our lives. An unexpected moment where we both caught up with each other and realized "ah yes, that was nice and so good that we got together after all these years, and now we know."

This man I love, loves me, but as is typical of people our age, we have baggage. Baggage that is not only incredibly heavy but ugly to look at once we open it. Loving someone is a risk - always. It asks us to transcend beyond our stuff and others stuff so that we could possibly, maybe build anew on a foundation that may have once stood steady buy now is filled with cracks and fine lines making it unsteady and fragile. As we trudge through the muddle encountering some ray of light on some days, we understand that its not perfect, not at all, but the question persist in both our heads..."would it be easier and less painful to be alone with my stuff or is it better to put our stuff together and work it through"? There is no simple answer and both options have their moments of being the right one on any given day.

For now, today, on another snowy day where we are house bound and I am doing what I love, writing, and he is doing what he loves, fiddling with his tools in his shop, we don't need any answers. For now we are content to accept and just be.