Trying not to get discouraged with the journey

Don't let anyone tell you that just because you get older, wiser, or grow that anything changes. I turned 51 this past August. I am sitting in an apartment in Nicaragua. I came here to visit my son on his 21st birthday. He is here doing what I should have done - finding himself. Taking time off from school because he had no idea what he was doing, where he was going or who he is. Yes, I am older, maybe a little wiser but not a lot of change has occurred. I often get stuck in the same place and the only thing that changes is that time moves and one day you wake up and its been five years since you said, "thats it, this year its going to be different."

I am proud of my son. Unlike me he knows enough to know he does not know. I on the other hand seem to always think that because there's been hard times, because I have endured and learned something that I may know something. The truth is I know very little. I know that I am kind, compassionate, and capable of taking risks. I also know that I have failed miserably and I don't seem to be finding answers in any realm of my life. I am always hopeful. Filled with perhaps, what some may call, polyannish dreams. I am not sure honestly. Today I feel nothing except defeat. David and I struggle. We struggle with difficult and sad pasts that don't allow us freedom to be happy. We struggle with realities that are difficult and at times bizarre, not to mention dysfunctional. We are allowed small moments of fleeting bits of time where we push the craziness aside and focus on us. A moment when we can look at each other and see why we are together and for just a moment there is nothing but us.

My job leaves me empty and drained most days. Everything I believed in when I started this job seems to have disappeared. I love my kids at school and they make my job tolerable but systematically it has turned into a corporation without a soul. Its purpose has been taken away and replaced with acronyms. 

My son is in a better place for now. I hope for his sake that he finds his path and truth way before I did. I hope his struggles are few and that he can live his life with clear intention.

I started this blog in October, it is now the end of January. My son has since returned home as has my boyfriend who was also in Nicaragua on a business venture. It was a difficult trip. Everyone was in some state of hyper something or the other. The heat was intolerable to me. Three people in a third world country trying to seek and/or create something that could not be found or done back home. We all struggled with some type of difficulty. I left after a week, leaving behind my son and my boyfriend. The weeks that followed till their return were long and difficult. My son had tapped out on what he believed was his own personal growth and was ready to return home to put his life back on track. In some ways he has. My boyfriend has also returned a little less enthusiastic about his business venture due to inconsistencies, cultural differences in work ethics, and small time thievery that is common in these countries where people will take anything that is not chained down.

We are all settling into our winter routines and trying to move into the new year with a new outlook, some optimism and perhaps a new dream.